At my heaviest, I was still smiling but unfortunately not on the inside. I tried to rationalise by telling myself that I wasn’t that fat, and it was only a couple of extra kilos. But now looking back seeing the photos side by side, I’m shocked to see such a significant change.
I promised myself that I would get back to my original weight. I knew at that time things needed to change, but it was difficult. It seemed like more of a dream rather than reality.
I joined the gym feeling highly motivated. I used to probably go a couple of days during the week but then I would slowly lose the urge to go. There would be times where I would eat one little unhealthy food and that would be it.
My mind basically would think “ok yup, you ate that junk, there’s no point.” I couldn’t stop myself. I remember it was Easter and I struggled so hard to not eat chocolate. I came back from the gym and immediately had the one piece of chocolate, but I felt defeated. My lack of self-control made me feel worse, so I ate more.
I would say my heaviest (which most probably is the photo in yellow) was around 63 KG. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you that my weight was initially 45KG. Yes- it was a dramatic change and of course, I got so many comments about my weight and was starting to feel incredibly self-conscious.
Now the other photo on the left was not before I gained weight but AFTER. Yup, I lost all that weight and basically went back to my original weight. The ripped jeans you see I’m wearing? Well, during the time when I was at my the heaviest, I picked out two outfits- the crop top and the jeans. You could probably imagine why.
I wish I had taken a photo of how tight that clothing was. Well, I’ll tell you. The jeans didn’t go beyond my thighs and the crop top would not fit.
I told myself that when I lose weight, this is the clothing that I want to wear, and I would make myself fit into it. These were clothes that used to fit me and it was going to be my target to fit into them.
So, when I started losing weight, the day had come when I felt I was ready to try them on. Now I must admit- it was a tiny bit of a struggle pulling up the jeans, but it fits!
I reminded myself constantly to lose weight. I stuck the number 45 all over my room (like little post note strips).
I’m finally at a weight where I feel satisfied- I could probably add another 1 or 2. Never imagined me to say that. My weight management is a bit like a seesaw where finding a balance to strike the “perfect weight” is almost impossible. What is “perfect weight?” It’s the weight where your body feels most nourished and functions to its optimal.
I’m happy that this is one less thing I must worry about, but it just goes to show that even when you think it is almost impossible to lose that much weight, thinking about the end goal really helps.
I don’t want to make it sound easy because it wasn’t. There were days when I would buy a whole cake and secretly eat it. And I finished it, within 3 days. I told no-one. There was a time where I went to Pizza Hut and bought an entire box of pizza to myself. I had eaten everything but three slices. I was getting full. But still, I was trying to push myself to eat it all for some reason. But I couldn’t. In a strange way, I found comfort in knowing that I could complete something even when I was stuffing myself with food.
So many times, I wanted to give up. So many times, I would weigh myself. So many times, my weight would not go below 60KG. I stopped myself from checking my weight and obsessing about the tiniest loss or gain.
There was a point where the gym membership was being wasted as there would be times where I skipped going altogether. I guess for me it was mostly diet. I didn’t oversleep as much, and I regained my energy.
Don’t be fooled by a slim body- it means absolutely nothing if you’re unhealthy. You could be a cute chubby person but still, be healthier than a person that is “slim”. Find your right.
Weight management is a short-term issue, but it is the surrounding long-term factors that hold the solution.
Just like a seesaw such is life. My progress can easily drop but looking at the past and appreciating the present will be what helps in the future.
Oh, almost forgot. It took me a good year to shed & lose weight. Don’t feel bad if it doesn’t come off straight away. It takes time but most importantly, be gentle to yourself.
Your body needs a strong mind and your mind needs a strong body!